Recipe for Disaster
by Slue
Summary: Erina had known it all along. She'd known she was making a mistake. This man was simply insufferable, intolerable, a complete low-life, a cocky, half-witted, pig-headed, indigestible- "At least call me Erina," she muttered. "We are married." Erina x Soma.


_Disclaimer: I don't own Shokugeki no Soma, or any of its characters, but if I did, I'd definitely make a demand for ten perfectly executed seasons. Because, well, one can never get enough of cooking, food porn, and Soma._

 _Author's Notes: This is some pointless humor/fluff._ _Newly_ _Married Soma/Erina._

 _(PS, once again, I've only seen the anime, not the manga, so if it's inconsistent with the manga, my apologies)._

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 **Recipe for Disaster**

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"Soma," Erina hissed, her voice low and sharp like falcon claws. "What _have_ you done?"

Soma stared at her innocently, taking a plump Goolab Jamun and shoving it in his mouth. "These taste really good," he said, avoiding the question. "Good thing Takumi offered the suggestion, huh? Imagine if he hadn't. We'd be stuck with something boring like _cake._ " He devoured another mouthful of the Indian sweet.

Erina stared at him in disbelief, her eyebrows rapidly rising. "I told you to order a velvet cake!"

"It's _boring,_ " Soma whined. "C'mon, Nakiri, I know there's some creativity in that brain of yours!"

Oh, for god's, sake. Erina had known it all along. She'd known she was making a mistake. This man was simply insufferable, intolerable, a complete low-life, a cocky, sharp-witted, pig-headed, indigestible- "At least call me Erina," she muttered. "We _are married._ " He was an sorry-excuse-for-a- man, and she had gone and married him.

She _must_ have lost her mind during the proposal.

"Yukihira Erina," Soma said. "Sounds good, doesn't it?"

She smirked. "Oh, I don't know, I like the sound of Nakiri Soma better, don't you?"

"But I'm the man!" Soma looked put off.

"My kids will not be named after a diner."

Soma shook his head in refusal. "Actually, the diner was named after our surname, not the other way aroun- HEY, wait, KIDS!?" Soma looked faint. "Kids…"

Soma may have been a different species altogether, but some 'men' qualities remained the same, and the deathly fear of kids seemed to be one of them. Erina sighed, playing with the edges of her jangly bracelets, staring at Soma as he stuffed Goolab Jamun down his throat. A soft smile rose across the edges of her bright red lipstick.

"Erina," he said seriously. "Did you say kids?"

"I said kids," Erina said.

"We can't have kids," Soma said.

Erina frowned. "Why not?"

"They'll be a better cook than me," Soma said stubbornly. "With our genes combined, they'll be indestructible."

"Isn't that a good thing?"

"You know I _hate_ losing."

"Not more than I do," Erina said. "If I can handle it, so can you."

He seemed to contemplate this, and at the thought of seeing Erina losing at cooking, his face brightened considerably at the prospect of having kids. "Not a bad idea, this kids' thing!" Rolling her eyes, Erina reached across and swiped a sweet, chewing slowly. She'd wanted to go traditional for the wedding with a cake, but Soma, the deviant he was, had gone around her back and changed the order to culturally varied sweets.

Sure, they were good, and looked pretty, but it was a wedding. A cake was practically law.

 _Better get used to this,_ she thought. _You still have many decades of injustice ahead of you to endure._

Soma grinned smugly. "Let's name the child Soma junior."

Erina looked aghast. "Absolutely not!" She paused. "The obvious choice is Erina junior!"

"But then the child will be a b-" He paused, biting his tongue. "-beast in the kitchen."

She narrowed her eyes. "You were going to say?"

"Bitch," he said meekly. He raised his hands in defense before she hit him. "I know you're actually a very good person, but c'mon, you failed me at the examination for no reason!"

"That was years ago, and the dish was a disgrace."

"You're still in denial over that!" Soma cried in disbelief.

Oh, it was _on._ Erina opened her mouth to start their usual debate, but Isshiki suddenly intercepted their duel, swinging an arm around Soma. He smiled cheerily at Erina, and for once, had _pants_ on (thank god) with a wine glass in one hand. "I can't believe your married," he said solemnly. He ominously said in a hushed voice, "Come. Enjoy your last night of freedom."

Smoke filled Erina's ears.

Ignoring her, Soma looked at him curiously. "Where are you going to take me?"

"We're going to feed some newcomers your shrimp combinations!"

Soma lit up thoroughly, and began to cackle. Erina watched them cackle together and begin to walk off, Soma giving her a half-wave as he left. How childish, how rude, how inconsiderate, how _annoying as hell,_ how _demonic-_ Erina seriously had no idea what she was thinking. Maybe someone had brainwashed her while he was proposing. Maybe she'd forgotten that "Yes!" actually meant "No way, not even the deepest depths of hell!"

Erina seethed, her mouth twisted, but the glow in her eyes, and the way her fingers kept touching the ring around her finger told a different story.

She may have disliked Yukihira Soma. But love him she did too.

Sighing, Erina relented and popped a Goolab Jamun into her mouth. Sweetness burst against her mouth, but she would have gladly preferred the cake. Oh, well, at least the dinner for tomorrow's reception party was going to be stuffed chicken breast with Pimiento cheese. It was one of her favorite recipes, and she was looking forward to it. Then she'd go home, have a warm bath, give Hisako a call to talk about the day, engage in intercourse with her new husband… Erina smiled blissfully.

A minor desert change, she'd handle. Maturely. Because she was a woman now. A married, mature, responsible-

"Hey, Soma," Isshiki yelled across the room, where a few innocent people had crumpled to the ground in agony. "What're we having at your reception tomorrow?"

Soma, with no shame, cheerfully cried, "Flank Steak Pinwheels!"

"Oh, man, my mouth is already watering!"

"I know, dude!"

Erina stared, her mouth agape, her finger flying off her ring. Her eyes filled with rage.

Oh, scratch _all_ of that.

She was going to be doing some heavy paperwork tonight.

 _Divorce files,_ in particular.

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 **The End**


End file.
